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I started to question my sanity this morning, It told me to "Shut up and chew through the straps....). I was free by noon......Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while waiting.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.