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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
You`re only young once but you can be immature forever!
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.