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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
I do what I want, when I want, where I want. If my wife says it`s okay.
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours