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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
I heard recently on the radio that, "If a man looks at womens breasts for 10 mins a day he will add 5 years to his life".. Can anyone confirm this?!! If so what are we waiting for?