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They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
Be good ... or I will text Santa
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.