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Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
You can`t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
Back in my day we had 9 planets.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.