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I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you