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I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.