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Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.