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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
Do bees even have knees?
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.