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i joined new gym yesterday. i did 3 sets of selfies on each machine
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
someone told me I am immature and need to grow up ... so guess who is not allowed in my snow fort!!!
If I throw a stick will you leave?
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.