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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.