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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.