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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.