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Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people