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I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
Mondays should start at noon.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is