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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
Today`s Generation: "Omg my parents never let me have anything." via iPhone
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.