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I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer