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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
I`m not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel