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My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy