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There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
Boys will be boys... unless they get a sex change.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.