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You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook