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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.