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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don`t confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.
More food should come with prizes inside it.
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
Currently helping my sister look for her chocolate`s I ate 4hrs ago.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate