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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.