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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
"My name is Robert and I support apples." -- Bob for apples
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.