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Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
can´t find Sesame Street on my GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!