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According to Tetley the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag so i slap her arse and shout "cup ot tea fatty"
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!