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i want a cute boy to let me hold his hand and his credit card
I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!