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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
WARNING:: going to bed on Sunday will cause Monday.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
I don’t have nightmares... I create them for others ;-)
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.