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For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.