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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
IM LOST! I`ve gone to look for my self. If u see me, tell me to wait here till I get back.
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?