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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”