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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.