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I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but Iām going to be too busy sitting on mine
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.