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Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
"Don`t try this at home"...Okay, i`ll try it at my friend`s house..
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.