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why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle