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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
How do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
I need more people like me in my life
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles