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They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.