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When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
I know u r but what am I ?
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.