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I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
Siri, where are my pants?
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
I`m perfect you adjust.
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
My memory foam has amnesia
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.