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Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
That awkward moment when you type your password where you should`ve typed your email, and your friend`s standing right there -___-
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.