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Looking for one night stand! Probably need two! I have a lot of books
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
The first sign of laziness:
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if Iām right!
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.