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It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.