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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
Good for you, people that do things.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
Friends would describe me as classy, sassy and a bit smart-assy.
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.