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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.
I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.