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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Settle down homemade play dough parents.
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.