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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
Girls think that having their period is the most inconvenient thing they can experience. They`ve obviously never dated a girl who was on her period.
Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.