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Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.