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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.