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Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
I`m an accident looking for a place to happen!
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I`m so confused
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...