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Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic