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never be afraid to wipe twice
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
Nothing like responsibility to ruin a perfectly good day.
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?