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“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
I give myself the best presents.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
Walmart needs observation decks.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.