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I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.